Naturally, I will think about that lyric for hours, and apply in some metaphorical way to my life. Then I looked at the words of the rest of the song. Well then. Oh, there’s one verse in there that… nevermind. It’s time to sleep.
I like words. So many to characterize the human experience.
I have been pondering what it is to forget… or to be forgotten.
We don’t like not remembering things we need to know. Sometimes we need to regurgitate knowledge that once seemed easily accessible (job interview, anyone). As humans, we lose things. Lose track; lose sight; sometimes lose our way.
* * *
Memory, noun: the mental capacity or faculty of retaining and reviving facts, events, impressions, etc., or of recalling or recognizing previous experiences.
Impressions… hm.
The extremes leave the greatest impression. The commonplace moments pass without much fanfare and rarely resonate.
Two definitions of impression that I especially liked.
Thinking of ‘memory’, I would guess the latter wouldn’t necessarily be commonly applied…
Produced by pressure.
There is a pressure; a tension; a friction that exists. By being, by having met, by knowing, by the chance encounters.
Wikipedia (source of all valid information, I know) that…
Although we like to think that our memory operates like recording equipment, that is not actually the case. In fact research has revealed that our memories are constructed.
If memories are indeed constructed, I wonder… have I ever built falsehoods into the reality to appease my own desires? Have we all at some point or another? Convenient omissions and insertions.
I guess our minds really are playing tricks on us.
This is what I’m good at. Talking in cryptic generalities and concepts to express what I’m feeling without being too forthright, and thereby expose my vulnerability.
But I am vulnerable. Far more than any of you may realize.
I put on a good facade, sure. But let’s face it—beyond the appearance of confidence, stability, self-assurance, or anything like that… there is a desperate, real, often ridiculous human being inside. Someone who wants to love and care for everyone in an absurd way, in spite of knowing that it could be self-destructive. Someone that, I dare say, would hate to ever be an imposition upon you, but always always ALWAYS wants the best for you. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you laugh. I want to know that you have the fullness of life intended for you.
But I don’t always get it right. Hope can suffocate one under the proper (hm, not sure that description fits…) circumstances. Grasp those wishes and dreams too tight… leaving the imprints of your nails in the palm in your hand… leaving your heart bleeding… Breathing becomes shallow. Words are hard to find. I can’t say it right. I’m only human. I don’t really know after all.
Friend, I will listen to you as long as you need me to. I will sacrifice as much time as it requires.
I struggle with doubt and questions. I trip over myself and my best of intentions, which can sadly be mixed with self-centeredness when they should not be… I do still make poor decisions on occasion. My humanness isn’t quite so liberating after all. But grace seeks after me even then. Why? It’s a little hard to explain.
Life… you once again have me perplexed. Thank God tomorrow is a new day.
I know exactly
