// In the past seven days…//

I have seen the end of one earthly life. I have seen my friends celebrate the entry of their child into the world.

Celebrated the anniversary of my entry into the world.

Been part of a celebration of the union of a friend that I have known for over half of my life, and the man she is committing herself to for the rest of hers.

2012… you’re one heck of a year.

And what I have learned from this… or what has been reinforced, which I likely already knew… is that I must invest myself in what truly matters.

// a long overdue personal but splendidly vague entry//

This is what I’m good at. Talking in cryptic generalities and concepts to express what I’m feeling without being too forthright, and thereby expose my vulnerability.

But I am vulnerable. Far more than any of you may realize.

I put on a good facade, sure. But let’s face it—beyond the appearance of confidence, stability, self-assurance, or anything like that… there is a desperate, real, often ridiculous human being inside. Someone who wants to love and care for everyone in an absurd way, in spite of knowing that it could be self-destructive. Someone that, I dare say, would hate to ever be an imposition upon you, but always always ALWAYS wants the best for you. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you laugh. I want to know that you have the fullness of life intended for you.

But I don’t always get it right. Hope can suffocate one under the proper (hm, not sure that description fits…) circumstances. Grasp those wishes and dreams too tight… leaving the imprints of your nails in the palm in your hand… leaving your heart bleeding… Breathing becomes shallow. Words are hard to find. I can’t say it right. I’m only human. I don’t really know after all.

Friend, I will listen to you as long as you need me to. I will sacrifice as much time as it requires.

I struggle with doubt and questions. I trip over myself and my best of intentions, which can sadly be mixed with self-centeredness when they should not be… I do still make poor decisions on occasion. My humanness isn’t quite so liberating after all. But grace seeks after me even then. Why? It’s a little hard to explain.

Life… you once again have me perplexed. Thank God tomorrow is a new day.

There are a lot of things I would like to see happen.

I would like to see my dad stop rolling his eyes at my endeavors. Especially charitable ones.

I would like to feel like I’m not as complicated as I am.

I would like to not worry and actually possess more hope on a regular basis (like that which I profess to have).

I would like to feel more organized and at ease in my own skin.

But enough about me. I would like to see the world change in a positive way.

This really stuck out to me in my reading. I mean, practically jumped off the page.

And the Lord said:

Because this people draw near with their mouth
and honor me with their lips,
while their hearts are far from me,
and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men,
therefore, behold, I will again
do wonderful things with this people,
with wonder upon wonder;
and the wisdom of their wise men shall perish,
and the discernment of their discerning men shall be hidden.

Isaiah 29: 13-14

So, yes, in context, this is about Jerusalem (I think, I’m looking at the notes in my ESV study Bible)… but I just thought, wow, that’s a lot like American Christianity right now (maybe I can’t even relegate it to just that, but that’s what I’m familiar with anyway). Especially the fear part. Made me think about extreme fundamentalism too. Fear should not be the basis of your faith. It just shouldn’t. Probably easier said than done. Unfortunately, that tactic has been overused in our generation… 

But the next part of the verse gives me hope. I will again do wonderful things with this people. I think I see that in little glimmers. I’m rebuilding my sense of awe. As G. K. Chesterton said (what a brilliant man he was!!), “The world is not lacking in wonders, but in a sense of wonder.” 

I pray I see, hear, or experience something that instills wonder in me today.

// star of wonder//

Lovely, lovely song by Sufjan Stevens…

I call you
From the comet’s cradle
I found you
Trembling by yourself
When the night falls
Lightly on your right-wing shoulder
Wonderful know-it-all
Slightly where the night gets colder

Oh, conscience,
Where will you carry me?
I found you
Star of terrifying effigies
When the night falls
I carry myself to the fortress
Of your glorious cause
Oh, I may seek your fortress

When the night falls
We see the star of wonder
Wonderful night falls
We see you
We see you

I see the stars coming down there
Coming down there to the yard
I see the stars coming down there
Coming down there to my heart
[Repeat x 10]

Merry Christmas. <3