// a long overdue personal but splendidly vague entry//

This is what I’m good at. Talking in cryptic generalities and concepts to express what I’m feeling without being too forthright, and thereby expose my vulnerability.

But I am vulnerable. Far more than any of you may realize.

I put on a good facade, sure. But let’s face it—beyond the appearance of confidence, stability, self-assurance, or anything like that… there is a desperate, real, often ridiculous human being inside. Someone who wants to love and care for everyone in an absurd way, in spite of knowing that it could be self-destructive. Someone that, I dare say, would hate to ever be an imposition upon you, but always always ALWAYS wants the best for you. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you laugh. I want to know that you have the fullness of life intended for you.

But I don’t always get it right. Hope can suffocate one under the proper (hm, not sure that description fits…) circumstances. Grasp those wishes and dreams too tight… leaving the imprints of your nails in the palm in your hand… leaving your heart bleeding… Breathing becomes shallow. Words are hard to find. I can’t say it right. I’m only human. I don’t really know after all.

Friend, I will listen to you as long as you need me to. I will sacrifice as much time as it requires.

I struggle with doubt and questions. I trip over myself and my best of intentions, which can sadly be mixed with self-centeredness when they should not be… I do still make poor decisions on occasion. My humanness isn’t quite so liberating after all. But grace seeks after me even then. Why? It’s a little hard to explain.

Life… you once again have me perplexed. Thank God tomorrow is a new day.

This really stuck out to me in my reading. I mean, practically jumped off the page.

And the Lord said:

Because this people draw near with their mouth
and honor me with their lips,
while their hearts are far from me,
and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men,
therefore, behold, I will again
do wonderful things with this people,
with wonder upon wonder;
and the wisdom of their wise men shall perish,
and the discernment of their discerning men shall be hidden.

Isaiah 29: 13-14

So, yes, in context, this is about Jerusalem (I think, I’m looking at the notes in my ESV study Bible)… but I just thought, wow, that’s a lot like American Christianity right now (maybe I can’t even relegate it to just that, but that’s what I’m familiar with anyway). Especially the fear part. Made me think about extreme fundamentalism too. Fear should not be the basis of your faith. It just shouldn’t. Probably easier said than done. Unfortunately, that tactic has been overused in our generation… 

But the next part of the verse gives me hope. I will again do wonderful things with this people. I think I see that in little glimmers. I’m rebuilding my sense of awe. As G. K. Chesterton said (what a brilliant man he was!!), “The world is not lacking in wonders, but in a sense of wonder.” 

I pray I see, hear, or experience something that instills wonder in me today.

// Dust Bowl Dance//

Can’t stop listening to this song.

The young man stands on the edge of his porch,
The days were short and the father was gone,
There was no one in the town and no one in the field,
This dusty barren land had given all it could yield.

I’ve been kicked off my land at the age of sixteen,
And I have no idea where else my heart could have been,
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill,
And now I am sure my heart can never be still,
So collect your courage and collect your horse,
And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse.

Seal my heart and break my pride,
I’ve nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide,
Align my heart, my body, my mind,
To face what I’ve done and do my time.

Well you are my accuser, now look in my face,
Your opression reeks of your greed and disgrace,
So one man has and another has not,
How can you love what it is you have got,
When you took it all from the weak hands of the poor?
Liars and thieves you know not what is in store.

There will come a time I will look in your eye,
You will pray to the God that you always denied,
The I’ll go out back and I’ll get my gun,
I’ll say, “You haven’t met me, I am the only son”.

Seal my heart and break my pride,
I’ve nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide,
Align my heart, my body, my mind,
To face what I’ve done and do my time.

Seal my heart and break my pride,
I’ve nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide,
Align my heart, my body, my mind,
To face what I’ve done and do my time.

Well yes sir, yes sir, yes it was me,
I know what I’ve done, cause I know what I’ve seen,
I went out back and I got my gun,
I said, “You haven’t met me, I am the only son”.

// what is love.//

Over and over I stumble upon my own confusion. Comes with the territory, doesn’t it? Just being human?

I can look at myself and think that I’m generally heading in the right direction… but … that’s not much of a vote of confidence, now, is it?

Oh, Twitter, how you’ve enriched my life with quotes. Here’s a good one.

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off. ~ Saint Thomas Aquinas

We can learn so much and aim to increase our understanding of the world around us. Attempt to explain everything away. But love… that sometimes elusive, all-consuming, intense emotion… that goes beyond the realm of understanding, doesn’t it? Yes, we can look at the chemical reactions in the brain, physical aspects of it… but there is much more, no? A feeling that inspires one to lay down their own needs for another. A passion that may thrive in despite of perceived differences in personalities and sensibilities. A world populated with billions of people and you find one that you want to devote yourself to.

Humbling, indeed. And love goes beyond that attraction and becomes an active behavior. On a daily basis, you seek to bring that other person happiness. Spend time with them. Listen to them. Share in their hopes, struggles, disappointment and joy.

I think of the time that I felt what I believed to be love. And there certainly were aspects of all of that. To the point where I drained myself of most of what I had in me. But love is sacrifice, truly. Not all love is reciprocal.

On that note, I must read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. The original Greek had such a rich expansion of the meaning of love, and it’s quite astounding. (I’d go into it, but I’d rather you look for yourself here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love)

And perfect love drives out fear. I’ve been experiencing too much fear lately. So now I know what I have to do.

// looking for the peace that surpasses all understanding.//

Don’t know exactly where I’m aiming for
Is this the end and the beginning

I have been extremely mindful of injustice, pain, hurt, and persecution in the world lately. Both major social and economic disparity that just doesn’t make sense—hunger, oppression, lack of basic needs; and sometimes just the struggles that young people in my midst face—lack of self-worth, needing love, negligent families, feelings of hopelessness.

I’m feeling like a stranger in my own skin.

Condemnation, hate, and apathy abound where it shouldn’t. Our perspective is limited to our “little universe” (stealing a Charlotte Martin phrase here) and we get lost in it. Personal transformation is of utmost importance… when our desires are aligned with the will of God… being that changed human being… we can be a transforming force in the world. But along the way, isn’t it our response to really effect a change in the lives of those who need it?

I’m so NOT in control. That is utterly obvious.

My heart will always be aching for those who ache. My arm will be perpetually outstretched to those who need a helping hand.

So reading this this morning eased my mind to an extent:

Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely,
who conducts his affairs with justice.
Surely he will never be shaken;
a righteous man will be remembered forever.
He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.
He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn will be lifted high in honor.

Psalm 112:5-9

I really wish verses like these were looked at more.

I’m called to be a blessing. Who I need to help, where I need to be… those are the unanswered questions.

// So overwhelmed.//

I cannot fathom why all the people who have walked through my life have. I am not exaggerating when I say I have some sort of love in my heart for every single one of them. Even those people who I have offended, those who have hurt me, those who may have been there for only a brief moment in time. Every single one has affected me. As a result, there have been many smiles, laughter, tears of joy, tidal waves of emotion surging through an already fragile heart. In essentially every individual I encounter, I see the glimmer of hope and love (for the most part). It is such plain proof to me that there are no coincidences ever.

I have been told such wonderful things and given such immense compliments that I don’t feel worthy of, because my only intent is to inject joy and hope in a sometimes desperate world that seeks to tell you that you aren’t worth very much. That your existence is insignificant. That all you have is the limited microcosm in which you inhabit, and when it’s over, it was essentially pointless. And I can’t believe that for a second. My entire being and nerves within and without are alit with a passion to make this world better than I left it. Not to walk through aimlessly, but with a distinct purpose. To create something beautiful. To care for all I cross paths with who need a kind word and someone to lean on. To discover something greater than what my physical limitations will permit.

Some moments are so discouraging, and I almost feel like falling apart. But the broken can be repaired, including myself. Amen.

// A sabbatical of sorts//

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. - C. S. Lewis

For the past few weeks, I’ve been attending an Episcopal church. This is new to me. It’s liturgical, more akin to something a bit more structured (which I must say I’m becoming a fan of). Anyway, been looking to do a bit more personal study, gain some insight, refresh myself.

Addressed something in a book we’re studying, and I think it’s what I needed to see because I’ve been almost morbidly obsessed with helping other people because I’m concerned I’m failing at it. I do believe, to an extent, it’s a responsibility, because as we were shown mercy, grace, and generosity, that needs to be shown to those who are most in need of it in the world. Anyway, to share… Deuteronomy 15:7-11, talking about the ‘economics of generosity’ as the book stated it.

 ⁷“If among you, one of your brothers should become poor, in any of your towns within your land that the LORD your God is giving you,you shall not harden your heart or shut your hand against your poor brother, ⁸butyou shall open your hand to him and lend him sufficient for his need, whatever it may be…¹¹For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’

That highlighted verse especially got to me, I suppose. Here I am thinking about how much I want to change the world, and I can make my effort, big or small, but guess what… the hardship experienced by some will never disappear entirely. That’s a promise. So what on earth am I doing to myself?!? As much as I get confused sometimes… I certainly can take stock in such biblical wisdom.

// Beyond touched//

I cannot fully express what I’m feeling right now.

To have received a call from lovely 16-year-old girl simply because she thought of me since she passed by the street I live on… (well, lived on, I assume it was my parents).

It’s a little miracle like that to remind me I am never really alone at all. To remind me that God put me where I needed to be to make a difference in someone’s life when I wasn’t sure I was doing any good at all.

It makes me cry out of joy.