Musings of Miss English

2010 is almost over. At the beginning, I guess I thought I was going to die from a broken heart. Wow, I was an idiot in that respect. I survived. I feel more like myself.

2011 is a prime number. I am pretty darned excited about that, because I love prime numbers. So that makes me think it will be an awesome year.

I wish I could learn absolutely everything in the new year. I’m not sure what capacity I have for new knowledge, but sometimes I think it is ridiculous how much I want to know and understand.

I want to have more deep, intellectual conversations with lots of people. It has been absolutely addicting over the second half of this year, and I will not stop. So anyone reading this, remember that :)

I need to make my jewelry website. And perhaps I will enlist a little help. But I have a goal now and it needs to get done. I already have the domain.

This is a changed person you see before you… who continues changing day to day. Each day I will make an effort to feel more alive.

 … that’s the charm of a ghost story, isn’t it? Not the scares and chills, that’s just for children, but the hope of some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It’s the Creator’s greatest mystery that we’re allowed no such consolation. The dead stay silent. And we must wait. 

— Queen Victoria, in episode “Tooth and Claw”

I want to be a more patient person.

I would love to never get angry, never say a harsh word, never feel agitated or tense.

Sometimes what I wouldn’t give to never feel my temper rise and show an exterior of complete and utter peace to everyone.

But I haven’t. I have failed. And I still wrestle with the same desire to defend myself needlessly, as though it makes a difference.

“If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.”

Why can’t I sometimes just shut up? I swear I am not the person you sometimes see, in her darkest moments of controlled rage or inexcusable childishness. I swear I’m getting better, by grace. I swear there’s a change from yesterday, and the day before that.

I’m sorry.

Yeah, I kinda hate that phrase right now. Seriously, what’s up with that?

I would not choose to let anyone die without knowing some sort of hope, worth, or passion for life. I love to get to know everyone! I just can’t help it. I want to know what makes them tick. I can’t look around me and think that other people don’t matter. The ones I know. The ones I don’t know. The ones I’ve never even met.

I can’t live idly… my God, I know I’ve tried at moments and I swear my body revolts against it. When I just try to sit still, I think I twitch.

In the words of Fiona Apple… “sometimes my mind don’t shake and shift, but most of the time it does.”

Not sure this is making any sense, but I’ll continue.

Ever know what it’s like to just feel the overwhelming power of something that takes over your entire mind, heart, and soul and just won’t let go? You can say to yourself… ok, let me entertain the opposite idea for a second. And it’s as foreign as a language you’ve never spoken, a word you’ve never heard, a place you’ve never seen. Nothing is sensible about it, and to use another cliché, is like fitting a square peg into a round hole (did I get that right?). Sure, there are mysteries that may surround it, but overall… well, you just cannot rip it out of your innermost being. Yeah.

This sure it a weird state of consciousness to occupy.

Ok, I’m done now.

Everything Charlotte Martin writes is gold.

Days are going faster than I ever could keep up
Overwhelming, the bed I’ve tried to make so perfectly
I surrender my hands behind my head
You read me

There’s a harvest buried in the bottom of the sky
And I’m thinking what will then become of you,
I’m analyzing your movements when you’re here
on repeat

You know well when it hits me
It could raise these bones again
And I wish that the rumbling
It would shake me ‘til I’m still

If you’re walking and nothing’s turning out the way I planned
Armaggedon is flooding through the living room and
I, triumphant, stand off dead intent
We didn’t

Call it off now, dramatic as I’m ever going to be
Second chances are slipping off the cliffs of this defeat
And I’m packing my bag again without my car keys

You know well when it hits me
It could raise these bones again
And I wish that the rumbling
It would shake me ‘til I’m still

Say it like you mean
Mean it like you said it to me
Now it’s out of these hands
You can’t tear us apart
Because there’s nothing to mend
You know well
You know well
You know well

When it hits me
It could raise these bones again
And I wish that the rumbling

How I despised those words.

That’s what my mother wanted to tell me when she saw me doing a line dance (particularly 38 Step) to a Ben Folds song.

Seriously, what the heck. I want to be free and live accordingly. I want to live with passion and joy in everything I do. Whether it be dancing in the morning, crocheting or creating something, cooking a meal, baking some cookies, singing in the shower/car/EVERYWHERE, or generally acting silly. Why limit myself in any regard?!?

That’s all I can say right now. My mind has been running and leaping in circles for the past few days. Also, Kreisler’s “Praeludium And Allegro” is on the light classical channel and it’s really awesome. Good morning.

joshtheoak:

The Hawthorne effect is a form of reactivity whereby subjects improve or modify an aspect of their behavior being experimentally measured simply in response to the fact that they are being studied…

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawthorne_effect

Of course I knew this existed, but I didn’t know the name. Now I know.

Cool! Learned something new.

I feel so very different than I did at the beginning of 2010.

Yeah, my hair changed (in a fabulous way, might I add). And I started graduate classes. But there’s so much more.

Well, let’s not lie. At the beginning of the year, I was pathetic. I won’t deny the truth. In my myopic self-pity, all I saw was my trivial “problem”. For those of you who put up with me… kudos. You have a lot of patience.

It took months to get out of that rut. And once I did, that’s when things started getting reallll interesting. I met people I never expected to encounter… who, naturally, I have connections to via other people, proving I have some strange six (or less) degrees of separation rule, I think. I started having the most intense, thought-provoking conversations often regarding my philosophy and purpose in the world—at times causing overthinking and headaches, but I digress ;)

Early this morning, I’m thinking I’m influenced by a bit of transcendentalism. And well, you can’t fit all the divine power of God in a box, so why not. So much is beyond my understanding, and the events of this year have come to solidify that fact…

More to come later. Perhaps when I’m not just rambling.

Means a very quotable experience. My dad prepared a meal consisting of elk, antelope, wild boar, buffalo, and salmon, for one. Part of dinner conversation consisted of discussion of Mark Twain’s cigar smoking habits. The group present consisted of my parents, grandparents (mom’s side), grandmother, uncle, family friend Bill, and myself. My uncle knows how to bring the somewhat questionable jokes (always appreciated), my dad always inserts his sarcasm; I try to add my own wittiness in the mix. So, hence, there were extremely quotable moments… and I share them with you.

[Christmas Eve, regarding Wii bowling, to my mom] “They said nice spare, not nice pair.” - Uncle Bob

[about me] “From the day I knew her, she walked on her legs.” - Grandma Ruby

[about me] “Do you take speed?” - Dad

“You have to enjoy the absurdity in life, because there’s a lot of it.” - Me

[regarding lunar eclipse this week] “I never know what it is I’m looking at.” - Mom (Um, the moon? lol)

“Jackie’s at the cutting edge of technology. When they come out with a phaser, she’ll be the first one to have one.” - Uncle Bob

[about brunch at British chip shop] “I had the coronary… I mean, coronation chicken salad.” - Me

“Chicken of the sea? That’s seagull, right? At least that’s what they told us in the service.” - Uncle Bob

Mom: “Bend over, Bill. It’s good exercise.”
Me: “Uh oh.”
Uncle Bob: “What’s going on in there?”
Me: “That’s a curious thing to say.”
Uncle Bob: “What you, in the government?”

Those were the gems. Hope you enjoyed. 

I’m not going to be trendy about it. I’m not going to make up some cutesy statement and post it all over so you know. That’s not what I do.

I pray the true Spirit of the holiday is evident this season. There’s plenty of misnomers and foolishness that goes around. People with backwards and hypocritical agendas. Massive and ridiculous consumerism that eats away at your soul. My hope is that all melts away and is pushed aside in a revolutionary turn and some real love is demonstrated in the world for a fleeting moment.

I will celebrate with my family today, spend time at the Christmas eve church service and let some healing and solace enter my life as we tend to run around frantically… rarely knowing if we’re achieving or doing enough.

For one day, I will attempt to let that go. May it be the start of an adjustment in my attitude.

joy to the world, my friends. 

seal my heart and break my pride

I’ve nowhere to stand and nowhere to hide

align my heart, my body, my mind

to face what i’ve done and do my time

- “Dust Bowl Dance”, Mumford & Sons

I feel like I listen to that song over and over just to put myself in my place. I end up breaking out in an airdrum solo and looking like a crazy person… which makes me think, they should add that song to Rock Band. ANYWAY…

So I’ve decided to resume reading my book The Science of God. Was a gift from my dad. Sure, plenty of people will say something about it—everyone has their bias—but I really don’t care. I have to reconcile my scientific and analytical side with my belief. Thus far, I haven’t found anything solid that would definitively prove one side or the other. There’s still uncertainty. And that’s what forces it to be a matter of faith for me. I’m extremely contemplative about it, so I may not always say a ton about it, but I try to live it through my words and actions, something I’ve really had to evaluate.

Which gets me to my original point… which I did think I had, anyhow. Sometimes, you have those days where you’re going to look in the mirror and stare in the face of your own hypocrisy. I wonder… have I been a willing participant in the undoing of my own soul? Took a look at the ever expanding wardrobe and had to take a deep breath and sigh… I don’t need all that. Do I put myself into debt? No. Do I aim to give, serve, and love at most every opportunity? I like to think so. But does that excuse my own bad habits? Not so much. Can’t feed myself more of this relativism. And what was it exactly that made me even think about this… In the oddest way, it’s connected to some of the new people I have met in the second half of the year. It’s correlated to the despair I felt as a result of heartbreak. It’s no coincidence at all. A figurative slap in the face. 

There’s often this emphasis on being victorious in faith… but what about the valley that is brokenness and self-awareness? It’s just as key.

Been doing some more writing lately. Not just the blog-writing. Poetry, pseudo-songwriting, rambling… whatever is on my mind. Guess I’m still working some things out.

(never before published, conducted in ‘01)

And we will not be penalized by a God in heaven or in any other environment, just because maybe we fell under a bus before we actually, finally managed to figure it all out. I think we will not be penalized for taking our time to weigh things out. And I really do have this belief that we should all be making that effort to figure things out for us. And we use the help that is at hand. Sometimes that help will come through organized religion; sometimes it’ll come from a member of your family, or somebody you meet in the street. It’ll come from all sorts of different places throughout your life, but you use those all as little clues, and you put the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together, and maybe one day you figure it out and decide what you really believe in and where you’re going with rest of your life. But some people figure that out when they’re ten years old; maybe some figure it out when they’re fifty years old. Some don’t figure it out at all. But, I don’t believe you’re penalized just because you’re a little slower than somebody else. I think that would be… that’s not the God I believe in.

I’m not saying I agree 100% with every single statement, BUT I think there are very excellent, valid thoughts here. I think he’s a very thoughtful, talented man. And thus, I enjoy the music of Jethro Tull. :)

love his stuff. anyway, from “Heirloom”:

so do you think i came to fight?
and do i always think i’m right?
oh no, i never meant to be, opposed to anyone this time!
oh no, i only meant to be, a friend to everyone this time!

goodness, was he singing about me? could be one of my worst flaws, actually.

In the past few months or so, I’ve feel as though I’ve been literally smacked in the face with my own flaws.

So what am I going to do about it?

1. Get rid of some excess clothes and shoes, and soon.

2. Plan better. I’ve never been good at this.

3. Actually make more jewelry and such using the supplies I have.

4. Regularly make an effort to be much more patient and gracious in how I speak and interact with EVERYONE I encounter.

5. Create the darned Clash/Coordinate website.

6. Clean my kitchen and bathroom more regularly.

7. Read more books of substance.

8. Be very understanding with everyone, because I know their situations and life experiences can radically differ from mine.

9. Think critically in all situations when possible, and speak accordingly.

10. Let go of some fear and worry that has been very paralyzing as of late.

That’s probably a good list to start with… almost time to ring in 2011… I just can’t believe it.

Here’s a philosophical definition of the word that I was not familiar with:

a. any state of the mind in which it is affected by something external, such as perception, desire, etc, as contrasted with action

b. feelings, desires or emotions, as contrasted with reason

Interesting. In a world seemingly consumed with the pursuit of reason, this is funny… because most people like to see evidence of passion at the same time. Passion for what you do; passion in what you say; passion in a relationship, etc. So is reason always the goal? If you ask me, passion and reason go hand in hand. And if anything, my desire for knowledge, self-improvement, progress, spiritual maturity—whatever—is fueled by both!

So that’s just what I was thinking right now. Don’t think I’ll go on. But yeah.

Lovely, lovely song by Sufjan Stevens…

I call you
From the comet’s cradle
I found you
Trembling by yourself
When the night falls
Lightly on your right-wing shoulder
Wonderful know-it-all
Slightly where the night gets colder

Oh, conscience,
Where will you carry me?
I found you
Star of terrifying effigies
When the night falls
I carry myself to the fortress
Of your glorious cause
Oh, I may seek your fortress

When the night falls
We see the star of wonder
Wonderful night falls
We see you
We see you

I see the stars coming down there
Coming down there to the yard
I see the stars coming down there
Coming down there to my heart
[Repeat x 10]

Merry Christmas. <3

“A paranoia got the best of what I hold dear.”

Oh, how I love that line… clearly expresses how I feel sometime. Just gotta take a deep breath now.