Musings of Miss English

In my mind, 2010 started out kinda crappily. (Yes, I made up that word and I’m going with it.)

I got dumped in a rather unfortunate and unforeseen manner, and I did not like it. For the majority of the first six months of the year, I think I was downright pathetic. I think there are many people who will agree who may not tell me to my face.

But no worries. Events then took place that shook me up (yet again) and also caused me to wake up. The past is the past. I am done with the nonsense.

I attended my cousin’s wedding in August. It was a beautiful affair. Won’t lie, went to it a tad jaded, but I was very happy for my cousin and his bride to be.

Of course, I couldn’t get past this occasion without some absurd moments. My grandmother asked my mom if was I upset because my younger cousin was getting married before me.

Um… NO.

And to find out my grandmothers were talking over continental breakfast at the hotel to discuss that I will find the right guy eventually.

SHUT UP PLEASE.

Is that all I’m waiting for in life?! Goodness, NO. Guess what? A single girl in her mid-20s can actually be satisfied with how things are going and not have to constantly search for a potential suitor!!!!!! Did I even give any indication that I was so sad about this anymore?! 

From what I am learning, I am finding that I could have a far greater purpose than just marrying a good guy and starting a family (though I do hope and pray for that). You know what? That’s just too darn safe.

And as fate would have it, once I returned from the wedding, I met a heck of a lot of really interesting people. And my thought processes have been challenged once again, and all for the better. I have jumped into major contemplations I never had before. Stepped out of the bubble. 

And maybe I didn’t get it at first. But 2010 was majorly awesome. And everything happened the way it was supposed to.

I’m not Jewish. Clearly. But I can find even some truth and hope in this bit of dialogue from Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist.

Norah: “There’s this part of Judaism that I like. Tikkun Olam. It said that the world is broken into pieces and everyone has to find them and put them back together.”

Nick: “Maybe we don’t have to find it. Maybe we are the pieces.”

When I observe the brokenness of the world, I do become sad… there’s a lot of brokenness within people. Can one broken person really fix another? My inclination would be to say no… but those people in our life can be used to guide us in a new direction or inspire us in a different way… withing the greater plan :) Just my take.

I’m really loving looking at everything with a greater discernment and philosophical outlook.

God Bless. Hope y’all had a fantastic holiday.

I’m scared.

Why, you ask?

Because of the implications of this word.

teleology –noun

1. the doctrine that final causes exist.
2. the study of the evidences of design or purpose in nature.
3. such design or purpose.
4. the belief that purpose and design are a part of or are apparent in nature.
5. (in vitalist philosophy) the doctrine that phenomena are guided not only by mechanical forces but that they also move toward certain goals of self-realization

I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have a reason for being on this earth, where I am, at this moment.

I believe there is a reason for having met the people I have, seeing what I’ve seen, uttering each word I have spoken.

Sure, I made a conscious decision in these instances, but there was an effect associated with each of these actions.

And for the life of me, I can’t seem to come to terms with it.

Did I bring someone joy? Did I make them smile? Did I offer encouragement where it was needed?

Did I accomplish something meaningful?

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work. Speak to the friends, coworkers, and others that cross my path. And I will contemplate all the same things.

Why do so many people seem so much more secure in this than I do?

2010: The year in my life of inexplicable change and also utter absurdity. The first half was sort of spent in a strange mourning period… thank God that is over. The second half finding myself in the midst of intense, nonlinear thinking. I do believe that if someone did a brain scan on me, it would be frightening. And as fate would have it, I suddenly found myself introduced to people that have inspired me to contemplate so much that my head hurts. Srsly. My group of friends has expanded in the most unusual manner, and none of it would have been possible at all if not for the events of the beginning of the year. And you find that certain people can help you in your personal growth even when there is no logical explanation for it.

As sad as I was at the beginning of this year… I can honestly say by the end of it, it’s been far more rewarding than I ever would have imagined.

A friend told me about this and recently I felt the need to look up more info on it. This was the ‘offending’ quote, about 7 years ago now.

“I hate to see the American flag hanging out of every bloody station wagon, out of every SUV, every little Midwestern house in some residential area. It’s easy to confuse patriotism with nationalism,” Ian Anderson said in an interview published in New Jersey’s Asbury Park Press. “Flag waving ain’t gonna do it.”

So then, the music of Jethro Tull was banned on a classic rock station. Um, but you know what? He’s right… Amazing what will irk people. Americans sure know how to be arrogant sometimes. Ok, that’s all.

I’m a bit of cynic when it comes down to it. No denying it.

But it leads to constant reevaluation and reinvention. Not really a bad thing, I must say.

I’m willing to listen to the tough questions, the opposing points of view, then seek for answers and engage in an open dialogue. Just how I am.

Good morning and have a splendid day.

Let me paint something beautiful across the canvas of this life. Leaving a brushstroke across your heart, an impression on your soul. May you open up your hand and mind to hope and love and light.

My eyes are upon the skies… when I gaze upon the heavens, I don’t always know that I’m getting it right. Actually, I know that I’m not. I trip up. I fail from time to time. Just like everyone else.

Each step is a journey. Each turn is a choice.

I often better express the deepest of my emotions in song rather than prose. So I will sing to you whenever you like. Sing of the mysteries that confound me; the truths that astound me.

May every word I speak be done so with boldness yet simultaneous humility (oh, how I love a good contradiction in terms).

Oh, the juxtaposition of the cynicism of a flawed human against optimistic dreams of a perfect future…

I like Charlotte Martin’s statement here.

“Thank you… God for turning the light on in the closet, and sitting with me even though I needed it dark inside for a while.”

For whatever reason, I have decided to look into information about philosopher Arthur Schopenhaur. While I certainly would not agree with everything he says, he makes good points in his work The World as Will and Representation, as far as I can tell from Wikipedia :)

Citing the following from its Wikipedia entry:

The ultimate conclusion is that one can have a tolerable life not by complete elimination of desire, since this would lead to boredom, but by becoming a detached observer of one’s own will and being constantly aware that most of one’s desires will remain unfulfilled.

What an interesting thought! A detached observer… I like this. Often enough, our will is selfish and insatiable. Our human desires get the best of us! That I can absolutely agree with.

And this indeed falls in line with what my own faith teaches me…

I’ve been very much thinking about death to self. More sacrifice will equal greater joy for me.

That’s my thought for the night. Think I’ll get some rest. Blessings to all.

well, the root still grows in the concrete fine.

and you never think you’ll run out of time.

and the root grows further than you know…

the root grows, at least that’s what I’m told…

I’m very much discovering that Charlotte Martin’s album Stromata is quickly becoming my favorite. It contains music that causes me to explore my faith, look into my soul, and stretch myself.

I like the allegorical nature. The allusions. The subtleties. The songwriting that paints a glorious, beautiful picture. I like its abstract qualities.

Now to define:

Stromata, n.:

1. Cell Biology . the supporting framework or matrix of a cell.
2. Anatomy . the supporting framework, usually of connective tissue, of an organ, asdistinguished from the parenchyma.
3. Mycology . (in certain fungi) a compact, somatic mass of fungous tissue, in or onwhich the fructifications may be developed.
4. Botany . the matrix of a chloroplast, containing various molecules and ions.

And the lyrics of the title track. Emphasized some of my favorite lines here.

The clues  to you and I are sprawling out like roads
And if we find a place for them they won’t lead home
I only meant to say it once but it’s too late
I’m into you and out again

The rotted love manipulates me
The rotted love that twists the fates seem
A bit confused by my reflection
‘Cause if we die there’s still direction and

I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I you we’re not thinking my stromata

If I can think on purpose then you’ll be right here
A paranoia got the best of what I hold dear
The cold linoleum is talking up my shoes
Deciphering the truth of us

And now I know what I’m about to lose
Now I know what I’m about to choose
Now we go for some reaction
A little game of who’s distracted more and

I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I you we’re not thinking my stromata

And see the disappointments walking in their line
But every step they take is perfectly in time
I’m singing  you in every breath I’m left to heave
I feel your arms surrounding me

And when I’m in a dirty river
And my receiver meets her giver
I set a trap to come and catch you
Oh someone stop me now I can’t do this

I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I you we’re not thinking my stromata
I I we’re not thinking my stromata
I I we’re not thinking my stromata
I I we’re not thinking my stromata
I I we’re not thinking my stromata

I love to learn, create, hope, dream, help, serve, think, and contemplate.

All these things help me at times just put aside the struggles and pain in the world and be at peace with what’s around me.

Rid this frail human form of fear of the unknown.

May I stand boldly in conviction day to day.

Strengthen me to love and forgive unconditionally from moment to moment.

“An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.” ~Oscar Wilde

That quote has been in my email signature at work for quite a while now. When I read it for the first time, it immediately got me thinking. What would qualify the danger of an idea, anyway? An idea that challenges our typical perception… that goes against our very nature and understanding, perhaps… an idea that makes us reevaluate how we’ve been living and conducting ourselves from day to day.

Those are the kind of ideas I like.

I’d say my thinking verges on progressive most of the time. I greatly value rational and scientific thought, and philosophical/theological pondering…and mixing the two together in a quite absurd way. I do believe survival requires us to awake in the morning and ask, “what is my purpose today?” I very much intend to observe what’s going on around me… and if I don’t like it…  then ask, “how can I change it?” Sometimes, my first asking, “how can I change myself?”

And let me add:

To forget one’s purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. ~ Nietzsche

Have a good day. Be purposeful.

I’m pretty sure this is all causing me regular headaches. But anyway. The quote to ponder!

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

Albeit, that is a nice added bonus. And there is much in the world to appreciate and savor. But when our main priority is our personal satisfaction, it’s quite easy to be disappointed. Seems we should set our sights on a higher goal.

Then I read the following quote in my copy of Relevant magazine.

The most important person is the one in front of you. - Millard Fuller

That’s a good thought. While I get overwhelmed with the question of who in the world am I not helping, that I can’t even see, maybe I’m better off focusing on who’s around me at this moment in time. And I suppose I’ll be led wherever I’m needed in due time, so I don’t have to worry. Hm.

… of miracles.

I got an email from my sister, and all I can say is WOW.

Here’s the important excerpt:

I was the OOD [officer on duty] on mid-watch(0000-0400), when I thought that I heard faint screaming emanating from the starboard bridge wing…which turned into an eventful, zero-light rescue of 7 Cuban Migrants who had been at sea for 14 days, and without water for the past 8.

Pretty Cool.

Cool isn’t even the word. Lives were saved. These migrants were holding on, and the USCG Oak found them and they were rescued from certain death.

How I would have longed to be alongside the crew and be a part of this. Because it’s just that incredible.

May those migrants never have to fear like that again. May God protect them with their every step.

Go Coast Guard!!!!

And it is awesome. :)

Chicago by Sufjan Stevens on Grooveshark for Android: http://listen.grooveshark.com/s/Chicago/4WF4G

Truth can sometimes find us in unexpected ways.

What am I saying? While I do believe in a single, transcendental truth (and as individuals we tend to decide what our truth is), it seeks us out in various forms. Could be through the beauty in nature and our surroundings; unabated honesty in a piece of prose, poetry, or music; an encounter or experience with an individual that you may not have expected to meet. Given the endless avenues and methods of expression, you are bound to hear or see similar themes presented in so many ways. I think we’re all seeking the reason for us being where we are at this time, and being as unique as we all are, we shall all discover it differently as well.

Over and over I stumble upon my own confusion. Comes with the territory, doesn’t it? Just being human?

I can look at myself and think that I’m generally heading in the right direction… but … that’s not much of a vote of confidence, now, is it?

Oh, Twitter, how you’ve enriched my life with quotes. Here’s a good one.

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off. ~ Saint Thomas Aquinas

We can learn so much and aim to increase our understanding of the world around us. Attempt to explain everything away. But love… that sometimes elusive, all-consuming, intense emotion… that goes beyond the realm of understanding, doesn’t it? Yes, we can look at the chemical reactions in the brain, physical aspects of it… but there is much more, no? A feeling that inspires one to lay down their own needs for another. A passion that may thrive in despite of perceived differences in personalities and sensibilities. A world populated with billions of people and you find one that you want to devote yourself to.

Humbling, indeed. And love goes beyond that attraction and becomes an active behavior. On a daily basis, you seek to bring that other person happiness. Spend time with them. Listen to them. Share in their hopes, struggles, disappointment and joy.

I think of the time that I felt what I believed to be love. And there certainly were aspects of all of that. To the point where I drained myself of most of what I had in me. But love is sacrifice, truly. Not all love is reciprocal.

On that note, I must read The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. The original Greek had such a rich expansion of the meaning of love, and it’s quite astounding. (I’d go into it, but I’d rather you look for yourself here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love)

And perfect love drives out fear. I’ve been experiencing too much fear lately. So now I know what I have to do.